Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Scary Pajama Moment

Did you ever put on pajamas that were so unflattering that you couldn't even wear them? That somehow make you look wider than longer? I will wear baggy Spongebob Squarepants pj's around the house, and I don't care a bit. Last night, though, I put on black yoga pants, and I was cold, so I added a long-sleeved shirt with a Parisian logo. I looked in the mirror and choked. Honestly, I was hideous! The shirt color was unflattering, and my hips did this weird bulging thing at the side. My first thought was, "It's okay. I'm just going to nip into bed, and when I get up in the morning, I'll change quickly." Then the hubby wouldn't have to see the weird morphing his wife underwent, and my marriage would stay on the scale where we think the other one is pretty rexy. But I couldn't do it. The thought that I might have to get up to turn off the light when we were done reading, or have a bathroom emergency, or heaven forbid, sleep in, undid me. I flung off the Parisian logo shirt, and put on an extra large t-shirt that flowed, rather flatteringly (but maybe that's only in comparison) around my curvaceous hips. (It's all in how you sell yourself, folks) Then I went to bed and wondered about the whole event, and why I cared what I looked like, when I was just planning sleep. Oh, well, okay. So looking good should be its own reward, I'll grant you that. But I haven't changed clothing sizes, I put on maybe 2 or 3 pounds all told. Why was I so hideous?

It's okay. I have a theory about this. Six months ago, I was a size 16, and I wasn't thrilled with it, but I didn't shudder when I looked in the mirror. Then I dropped to a 14 (Nutrisystem, thank you) and thought I was a pretty hot mama. I happily pulled on shirts from the back of the closet that were a little tighter and a little shorter, and I was really proud of myself. Then I quickly dropped down to a size 12 (NS again, thanks), really in just another week. New clothes were bought, and I got a lot of compliments. I stopped Nutrisystem, for Christmas, don'tcha know, cuz one thing I like about the holidays is the abundant candy everywhere you look. Well, I think I've gotten used to the size of the new me. In the spirit of perfectionism in my life, I'm not now satisfied with how I look. Have you ever noticed how women feel guilty when we eat a candy bar? Don't you think that's a perfect waste of a chocolate moment? So that's one theory: I've gotten used to this size, and I want more (less). Also, I am absolutely surrounded by people skinnier than me, and what's that going to do to you?

So here's what I'm doing, and my daughter reads this blog, and I never lie to her. It's criminal to not be satisfied with your body, when we have so many options, and so many people in the world don't. My size is a good size, because I got here by being healthy. Not everyone can look like a supermodel, or should try to. You know, those models can't really eat, can they? So that's that. I'll keep being healthy, and if I never get smaller, it's because this is what my body wants to be. HaHa, yoga pants! May your bulky saddlebaggy sides not scare me or anyone else! Let's all raise an orange juice to just being healthy, and for body acceptance! HaaaaHaaaa!

But the evil Parision logo shirt has got to go.


Anonymous said...

Hear hear! I am SO SICK of anorexic celebs being seen as some ideal. Your health is so much more important! Women are supposed to have hips & breasts that aren't plastic--good for you!

Mindy said...

It is far better to enjoy what you eat and to be healthy than to be super skinny.

Nora said...

Carrie, you crack me up - that first paragraph was hysterical!! You go girl! x

AR said...

I love food. Good, healthy food (most of the time). I just know how to dress (most days) to hide that fact. :)

I'll never be super skinny and if I were, I don't think I'd be happy, because I'd be denying myself.

So, cheers! I'll raise my oj to that, too!

Anonymous said...

Ah, body acceptance; it's such a hard thing to accomplish. I agree with your assessment of why you felt the way you did when you looked in the mirror. I was a size 18 (tight) 5 1/2 years ago and lost a lot of weight in 1 1/2 years. As I lost the weight, I'd think I was a "hot mama" too. Now I wear a size 4 and I still feel fat sometimes when I look in the mirror. If I think about it, it's usually after I've been junking out with food or being lazy with exercise. I think after you lose a considerable amount of weight, as you did, you develop a fear of gaining it back.

Marlene said...

Self acceptance at ANY weight was the first step I took toward losing 40 pounds last year. Once I could love myself FAT, it was easier to love myself enough to take the necessary steps toward a healthier weight and life style.